That crackling groan in your head and throat says you’ve done or said something wrong.
You’re cringing at the thought.
It weighs heavily on you, and now you’re separated from someone you love.
You want to be relieved of this feeling. Sometimes intended (“I had to say it”), not intended (“Omg, what was I thinking?”), or inadvertent (“Wait, what?”), these are our mistakes.
I’ve thought a lot about this since I found myself recently apologized to one day, and having to apologize to a friend the following day.
What I found is that the apology makes us vulnerable and strong at the same time. Vulnerable because we have to admit a wrong, causing shame. Courageous, as we face possible rejection by the person we wronged. Strong, as we overcome the barrier we created through action or words.
So how do we fix this?
The apology can leave levity and relief in its wake. But not always. All of us have relationships that ended, one way or another. We learn that some relationships are temporary.
But our heart wants to be relaxed and at peace. We want to close to our loved one, and be that person we envisioned when we were young: caring, sensitive and righteous, doing the right thing.
Start with a review of your actions and words (ouch)! Non-judgmentally (whew)! Gather the important data, like, what was the context? What was the issue? Then, move forward.
1: Make your apology point-blank, specific and remorseful.
This authentic approach always includes one more important specific: let the person know it won’t happen again. This apology sounds like: “I’m sorry I spoke to you that way on Wednesday night, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m paying attention to my behavior in this regard now.” Beware of the Sorry/Not Sorry version, “I’m sorry you were hurt.” There’s no remorse in this and you’ve put the blame on the person you offended.
2: Be a great actor and deliver the lines in a heartfelt way.
Sometimes you’re not interested in giving something, but want something in return. Like keeping your job. You may not even like the person you offended. I once worked in close quarters with a man I called Mr. Grouchy Pants. Mr. Pants delivered at least one insult per work session. At times I would apologize in a peacekeeping effort (“sorry I distracted you”), and his face would relax and he seemed downright happy. I’m okay with having made his trip a little easier, it cost me nothing. And it made my job situation better.
3: If you can be playful, go for it.
Nothing resolves tensions like a good, full-out belly laugh. Send a most unexpected gift or letter, making fun of yourself. I once dated a guy who disclosed a very private matter about me to other people, and I shut down. He mailed me a handwritten page on looseleaf paper on which he’d written “I will never be unkind to Mary Kay ever again” 100 times (pictured above)! The lightness of the gesture opened up the doors to discussion.
4: Apologize in bits and pieces.
And wait out the anger. This may be the route if you’ve been unfaithful in a relationship. There may be residual waves of resentment. Finding a way to reassure that the mistake will not happen again requires reinforcement. But the payoff is great as the hurt recedes.
5: Be a questionner and ask “what went wrong?”
Now prepare to listen. The Zen approach can be the winning strategy when we’re not clear about what happened. When a friend or family member seems put off, and you were only describing what you wore to a friend’s wedding last Saturday, something happened! As soon as you realize there’s a gaffe, put your arm around his/her shoulder and ask “Hey, what’s going on?” Then listen and don’t be defensive.
6: Don’t apologize, just move on.
In highly stressed situations, we can misinterpret events. Say, if you’re hosting your first Thanksgiving dinner, and guests start expressing opposing political views, and you go on full alert. Sometimes in this hypervigilant state you assume offense and want to defend your position. But no one wins. Time to breathe, let go and move on.
7: Do more than one type of apology.
Get to the laughter, the kiss, the hug. Reunion of affections is invigorating. Sometimes a combination of these methods works best. If the offense was brief, unintended and a one-off, then a genuine apology should suffice. If it’s a longstanding offense, it may require more varied and sustained attention.
So, What’s The Payoff?
Guess what? You’re going to feel so relieved! Stress brought on by conflicts is so great in our hurried, harried, worried world, it wears us down, physically and mentally. Bringing resolution and understanding to our strained relationships renews our inner peace.
Envision coming into work and seeing Mr. Grouchy Pants smiling and saying hello.
Imagine the next family get-together when you and your sister smile knowingly, remembering that you crossed a divide and are at peace again.
And feel the lightness and pride in yourself for doing the right thing.
You knew it when you were young, and it’s still true. You’re a wonderful human being and are built for love.
And I’m cheering you on, because one by one, we’re making the world a better place.